Texas T-Bone

A husband and wife decide to dine out at the Texas T-Bone. The waitress comes to take their order and the husband says, "I'll have the 32 oz T-bone."

The waitress glances up from writing his order down and asks, "Sir, are you sure?"

He replies, "Yep."

The waitress then says, "What about the mad cow?"

The husband, focused on placing his napkin on his lap, without hesitation and says, "Oh, she'll just have a salad."

Very Cute

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer… She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.  His dad read: 'The man named  Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget ...

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Merry Christmas!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They E-mailed.
They E-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs..
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed..
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted
their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES....

Dog Walking

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman Pinscher?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're really very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "what the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me an f**ing Chihuahua???!!"

Thinking on your feet

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter..

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right
behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Natural Child Birth

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

A woman writes to the IT Technical Support Guy

Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as   NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, 

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
Reply

DEAR  Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1 ..
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend:   Cooking 3.0 and   Hot Looks 7.7. 

High Tech

An American, Japanese, and an Indian Sardar were sitting in the sauna naked. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. " That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,  "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.

The Sardar felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper stuck and hanging from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

Instead of being embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind. The Sardar explained, "I'm getting a FAX"... The other two fainted!

First Grader

We are not smarter than the First Grader!

A First Grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.

Don't change horses

until they stop running.

2.

Strike while the

bug is close.

3.

It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4.

Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5.

You can lead a horse to water but

How?

6.

Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7.

No news is

impossible

8.

A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9.

You can't teach an old dog new

Math

10.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11.

Love all, trust

Me.

12.

The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13.

An idle mind is

the best way to relax..

14.

Where there's smoke there's

pollution..

15.

Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16.

A penny saved is

not much.

17.

Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18.

Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

20.

There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21.

Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22.

If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23.

You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box

24.

When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

25.

A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26.

Better late than

Pregnant

Smart Doctor

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

Evils of Alcohol

A man was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died.
"All right, son," said the Dad, "what does that show you?"
"Well Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

Golf accident

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Smart Pen

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

Ugly Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. 

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Men's Rules - Women should learn these!

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.

The Brain

The Brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days right from your birth until you fall in Love..
-William Shakespeare

One Wish

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Embarassing Situation

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice :

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TEN THOUSAND RUPEES FOR ONE NIGHT? THATS TOO MUCH!"

Cultural Difference

An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted.

When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their 'freedom'.

As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates.

But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Chinese replied, 'I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize.'

The Five Rules To A Happy Life for Men

It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job.

It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and doesn't lie to you, ever.

It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.

It's very, very important that THESE WOMEN NEVER KNOW EACH OTHER!

Florida or Moon?

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking... And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is far away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooo, can you see Florida???"

The Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments? Can you give us an example?'

God said, 'For example .......... Thou shall not kill.'

The Arabs were shocked, 'What? Not kill? No way! Killing and massacring innocent people is our birth-right and the only reason for our existence. No, we are not interested.'

So God went to the Africans and said, 'I have Commandments. '

The Africans wanted an example.

God said, 'For example ........... Honour thy Father and Mother.'

The Africans were dismayed. They said, 'Father? Yo maan! Can't tell for sure who our fathers are, maan!'

So God went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments. '

The Mexicans wanted an example.

God said, 'For example ........... Thou shall not steal.'

The Mexicans were flabbergasted. They said, 'No steal? No steal?? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live, huh? Gracias, but no!'

So God went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments. '

The French wanted an example.

God said, 'For example ........... Thou shall not commit adultery.'

The French were stunned. They said, 'What? Not commit ze adultery ....... ? Non, non, non. Non Monsieur. Pardonnez vous. We, ze French, must have ze romance.'

So God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments. '

The Jews asked, 'Commandments? How much do they cost?'

God replied, 'Nothing. They are free.'

The Jews answered, 'Good. We shall take Ten!'

MAKING A BABY - THIS IS HILARIOUS

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. ....

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and Out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!"
Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!

Body Booty

US to India, with love

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother
(Ba) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no
space left in it when they opened the lid. They found a letter on top
addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,
I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should
be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT .
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese,
10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (almonds).
Please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for
Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons.
Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.
Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.
Shanta masi: Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you
asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.
Please distribute all these fairly.
PS : If anything more is required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well these days